Top Ten Reasons Why Obama Will Win The Presidency

10) A large group of progressive racists in this country have been working on a plan to assassinate the first black president of this country for a long time now, and they are anxious to see if it works

9) Spielberg already has the movie rights; Terrance Howard is slated for the lead role; scheduled for a release in '16

8) McCain is already 70, and he's in the first stage of BDD: Bob Dole Disease. He will have the permanent kung-fu grip with a pen in that right hand in no time

7) Housekeeping has already installed Yadibox Internet Radio in the Oval Office

6) "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington": James Todd Smith, also known as L.L. Cool J, is predicted to successfully be elected to a congressional seat in the year 2010.

5) Now N' Laters have been added to the refreshment menu during the State of the Union Address

4) Michelle's enrolled in "First Lady 101" class at the Clinton Memorial Library

3) It's been speculated that Obama has already begun the process of writing his inaugural speech, which is supposed to be complete with his own version of "Hail To The Chief", which insiders say sounds like a more mature version of Swizz Beats' "It's Me, Bitches!!"

2) Every limosine and Secret Service SUV in the motorcade is sittin' on 22s.

1) There have been numerous reports of happy shouts and loud, jovial laughter coming from the burial site of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.